Are You Really a Kings Fan?

So a noob started at my company and he noticed a Kings related item on my desk (yes, I used the singular because I amazingly only have ONE Kings item on my desk and not a shrine like I really want to have) and mentioned he's a Kings fan. Alright! Another hockey fan in the office!! We briefly talked hockey before we had to talk about a gawd-awful project I get to pawn off to him. But before he left we talked about hockey again and it came up that he's also a Ducks fan. WHAT THE WHAT?!!?!?!? I had just met the guy so it took every ounce of strength not to ridicule the shit out of him. He sorta apologized for it and mentioned that the Kings are his first true love, but since he lives down south much closer to the Ducks and (here's the worst excuse) "because the Kings were bad for so long" he needed to root for a team that was doing well. I wish had the authority to tell him, "You're Fired".

He's actually not the first person I've met who's admitted to being a fan of both the Kings and Ducks, but the other person is a girl who is an awful human being so I figured she didn't know better. There's also this other guy I knew who was a diehard Kings fan, but "tried" to be a Ducks fan because he lived in Orange County, but eventually realized it was too painful so he stopped trying. All of this just boggles my mind; it's like it defies the laws of hockey fandom physics.

Maybe it's just me, but how the hell can you be a fan of two sports teams that are rivals????? I get woozy even when I hear of someone claim to be a Kings fan, but they say they'll watch (or maybe even cheer for) the Ducks if they're on TV. Nononononononono! No! No! If that's the case, then you are not a Kings fan! If the Kings aren't playing and there is a Ducks game on TV, then I'll only watch so I can see them FAIL. And even then, it's super painful to watch because I FUCKING HATE THE DUCKS and also listening to Bryan Hayward's voice is 100 times worse than hearing nails on a chalkboard. So I usually only last for a couple minutes before I have to watch something else. I feel like a little piece of my soul dies when I hear someone praise Corey Perry and the Ducks. My stomach does somersaults when I'm reminded that Lubomir Visnovsky is still a Duck. The other night the Ducks and Sharks were playing and the husband asked me repeatedly who I was rooting for and my response was always "no one". Eventually he got the picture and said "you're rooting for God to strike down and kill them all, aren't you?". "Why yes, sweetie, that's the perfect explanation of how I feel". And the season is still young.  There will be plenty of Ducks/Sharks game this season. "What is wrong with you?", you may be asking as you read this. Well, to that I say:

"NOTHING! I AM A KINGS FAN AND THAT'S HOW ALL DIEHARD KINGS FAN SHOULD FEEL!"

HOW DARE YOU ROOT FOR THE DUCKS!!!!

I never hear of Rangers fans say they're also Islanders fans. Or Habs fans say they're Maple Leafs fans, and vice versa. Flyers and Penguins fans? I bet they'd kill each other. Penguins and Capitals fans? Same thing. Red Wings fans? Well....that's a special case because they're all bandwagon fans outside of Detroit so I have no doubt they like other teams, but I bet they DO NOT like the 'Hawks! You see what I'm getting to here? It just doesn't seem possible that you can be fans of two rival teams. I would use comparisons from other sports but I don't know enough about those rivalries with the exception of the Yankees and Red Sox. Seriously...have you met a diehard fan of both of those teams? I doubt it.

And I hate the excuse that "fans" can't root for losing teams so they switch allegiances to the nearest geographical team (possibly a rival team) because that team happens to be a winning franchise at that moment.  That does not make you a fan! That makes you a fair weather fan who can't handle the low times and has no qualms about jumping on the bandwagon of a successful team.

The easiest way for me to determine whether or not someone is serious about his or her devotion to the Kings is to find out how he or she feels about the Ducks. If that person is even remotely partial to the Ducks, then I know I'm talking to just a hockey fan, not a real Kings fan.