A Classy and Scholarly Discussion About the Clowe Incident

Hermano here.

Looks like we've got about 19 hours before the puck drops, so let's revisit the Clowe Incident.

These are actual emails from men in their 30’s, discussing the Clowe Incident. Specifically: (1) yours truly, (2) Kings Fan Dustin Brown, (3) Kings Fan Marty McSorley, and (4) Sharks Fan, Ghost Joe Thornton. Enjoy.

[Hermano’s Note: These are actual emails between Kings fans and a Sharks fan, but edited to correct spelling and protect the identities of my compadres.]

On April 6, 2012 at 12:02 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: That fucking cunt is such a fucking disgrace to the game. That was disgusting. I have been watching hockey for 20 fucking years now. Fuck that guy. Never seen that. Fucking disgrace.

On April 6, 2012 at 12:27 a.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: A true douche

On April 6, 2012 at 12:51 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: It was wrong for two reasons: 1) it was outside elements affecting the game; 2) it was cheating. What a fucking disgrace. The league better suspend his ass for a few games.

On April 6, 2012 at 7:44 a.m., Hermano wrote: If the league is smart, they’ll suspend his ass for 10 games. Otherwise, what will stop anyone from doing the same thing during the playoffs or during a critical part of a game? The league would become a joke.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:30 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: No way...dirty and cheap, yes. But it was a play that impaired the players forward progress. If there were other d back it's 2 for interference. If none, a penalty shot. Refs blew the call. By your logic every too many men or interference should be a suspension. He was stupid and wrong and deserved a minor. Calling for a suspension is a bit of an overreaction.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:44 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You are a "homer" (never used that phrase before). He cheated. That breaks our sweat pants bet [Sidenote: There was a bet that the loser of the first home-and-home series would wear sweat pants to a gentlemen’s club]. Lucky for you I still am pondering wearing sweats to [Olympic Gardens] anyway.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:58 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: He committed a penalty that wasn't called... If Thornton had been tripped on a breakaway with no call would that void the bet? Your pussiness upsets me.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:08 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You ever seen that penalty before? You ever thought of doing that in a game. Didn’t think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:40 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well... that doesn't really apply. Like I said, dude should've gotten a 2 for either interference or too many men. If it was a breakaway then a penalty shot. The suspension talk is crap. If this was any team against anyone but the Kings you guys wouldn't have said shit.

Backing out of this bet is like someone backing out of a football bet because the receiver didn't catch a winning TD because of Pi....shit happens. Deal with it!!!!!

On April 7, 2012 at 1:52 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] fuck you, you fucking homer. I hope Clowe gets the shit kicked out of him tonight. I’d rather have Hitler on my team.

On April 7, 2012 at 2:22 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: If karma does exist Clowe will go head first into the boards and paralyze himself. Guy is a disgrace to the game.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:17 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Hmmm... interesting comments. Every fucked up play in the history of the league and close is by far the worst and should die. Your arguments really help your case! I said it should have been a penalty.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:35 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Your email doesn’t make sense. Retype it. Obviously you have an unquenchable hunger for Clowe cock. In any event Clowe is a shit. The fact that he feigned ignorance of the play afterwards makes him more of a SLO douchebag. YOU CAN SEE HIM MOUTH "that was stupid" AFTERWARDS. Fuck that guy. Thornton called it the "play of the game." Fuck Ghost Joe. I hope the Kings play the Sharks in the playoffs. And I can’t wait for Vegas. I will turn you from Clowe cock to [my] cock.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:43 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: I think you mean Clowe vagina

On April 7, 2012 at 4:38 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Spell check... just think its funny how he is all of a sudden the dirtiest player in the league. And I'm the "homer". He acknowledged it was stupid... If you followed it he admitted yesterday it was stupid and he got caught up in the moment. He said after the game he declined to discuss it since he was tired, emotional and didn't want to dig a deeper hole. Hard for me to see why that makes him so fucked up. If that's the case each of us that has ever taken a stupid penalty should be dragged in the street and shot.

On April 7, 2012 at 4:56 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Glad you agree Clowe is a piece of shit and deserves the eventual paralysis that is coming his way. Homer douche.

On April 7, 2012 at 5:04 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: I always enjoy these intelligent discussions.

On April 7, 2012 at 5:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: After the game he denied it. Said he didn't know what reporters were talking about. Douchebag. I cant believe you are trying to downplay this. Again, have you ever seen this before? Is 2 minutes enough to deter this? If Marleau has a breakaway in game 7 with 50 seconds left and Sharks are down by 1 and nobody is around and Hartnell throws a stick at him from the bench to knock the puck from Marleau? Is that 2 minutes? Are you cool with no suspension? Is that the same as tripping?

On April 7, 2012 at 6:59 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: After the game he said he had to see a replay. The next day he said he was worked up emotionally and exhausted and didn't want to dig a hole by commenting further.

The dude fucked up... but using your analogy if a dude had a breakaway and someone threw their stick worst case is a penalty shot as long as it was a clear path. 2 minute interference if not. No way for a suspension.

I agree it should have been a penalty... so does he. Has there never been a non-call in this league?

The suspension talk is the only homer thing about this. If this was Kopitar doing it to Getzlaf would you be set on a suspension??

On April 7, 2012 at 7:17 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Absolutely. No place for cheating in game. Suspension talk only homer thing about this? People get suspended all the time to deter conduct outside the normal code of the game. Is this outside the normal code of the game? I still am waiting for you to answer my questions: 1) have you seen this before; 2) have you ever thought of doing this in a game before?

On April 7, 2012 at 8:00 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Just to be clear... If Kopitar did the same thing to Thornton you all would call for a suspension?

To answer your question... I haven't seen it, but I've seen much worse and more dangerous stuff. Would I do it? Why does that matter? Does Shanny consult me on suspensions? To that fact, the first question is irrelevant too. The fact is that it was a minor penalty that was missed. Even he admits it and said it was stupid.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: If Kyle Clifford did it to anyone on the Sharks I would think it despicable. It is despicable. If Kopitar did it, I would think it is despicable. Because it is despicable regardless of who does it. Your homer brain is having a hard time separating infraction from person. I asked if you would do it because the answer is no. You know it is wrong. You never would do it. This email chain is about whether it is wrong and worthy of supplemental discipline. This email chain never has been about whether we actually should penalize Clowe. None of us have the bat phone to Shanahan. If you are to frame the issue to be "whether we should suspend Clowe" then yes, [Ghost Joe], both questions are irrelevant. But that is not the discussion. The issue is whether that conduct should be deterred. Particularly when a penalty is missed, the league will hand out supplemental discipline. You are right, Clowe (eventually) admitted it was stupid. So is his admission of guilt enough to deter such actions in the future? Only a homer would think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:45 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Actually I realize that this conversation is irrelevant. [Ghost Joe] is going to defend his little bitch until the end and I will bastardize him. The end.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:57 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, no. I wouldn't do it. But it does not deserve extra discipline. It is insane you guys think this is suspension worthy. Missed call at best.

On April 7, 2012 at 9:51 p.m., Hermano wrote: [Ghost Joe], you're absolutely wrong. It is suspension worthy just like Shanny handing out games for chicken-winging a dude is suspension worthy. Both are designed to (1) prevent future incidents by punishing the individual and (2) protect the integrity of the game. People wouldn't watch hockey if goons were throwing elbows into superstars on the reg and people won't watch hockey if little bitches like Clowe interfere with an odd man rush while standing on the bench. At the very least, the integrity of the game has been compromised and Clowe should be suspended accordingly. I hope your Nor Cal brain can comprehend that principle.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:02 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: So I'm trying to type this with no bias at all..... I agree that it obviously should have been a penalty (either an interference and/or too many men). If they would have found a way to bump this up to a 5 minute major although I would have been upset as a Sharks fan I wouldn't be able to argue at all. A penalty shot I couldn't see because he didn't have a clear path and you see guys interfered with all the time that get just a minor called when they had a breakaway.

As for the suspension, I agree with you on your first point (prevent future incidents). This could have been a situation to set the bar and prevent future occurrences. As far as the integrity of the game, that has been under constant evaluation and scrutiny these past few years. Head shocks, blows to the back, fighting, etc. They are actually changing the game to evolve to the present. Not that Clowe's play falls in to that category, but to say Shanny is only suspending people to protect the integrity is false..... it is for the safety and protection of the players and the league (ie, NFL).

For example, if a player had a breakaway and a D-man threw his stick to try to stop that how would that be called? A Penalty Shot, right? Worst case an interference. That hurts the integrity of the game... throwing your stick to prevent a goal attempt but no one would dare talk suspension. It happens multiple times each season. That is why I think Clowe should have had 2 for interference and 2 for too many men (since he was a 6th man interfering). The suspension talk just baffles me.

Should be some fun playoffs.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:47 p.m., Hermano wrote: Let me answer your question with another question. If a coach threw a stick on to the rink, would you call it a minor penalty? Too many men on the ice? Interference? Unsportsmanlike conduct?

Wikipedia "Tom Webster (ice hockey)" and let me know how many games the league suspended the Kings' former coach.

You may try to distinguish that incident by arguing that he (Webster) did not interfere while the play was in action - but that only supports my point: whether someone interfered with the play or not, a classless act that does not belong in hockey should be punished with a suspension. A suspension should have been doled out to Clowe to prevent future incidents and protect the integrity of the game. The league CANNOT devolve into a game where we simply assess 2 minute (or 4 minute) penalties for completely classless actions, like (1) coaches throwing sticks onto the ice, (2) chicken-winging a dude in the face, (3) intentionally interfering with the play while on the bench, etc.

I know you're realllllllly reaching into your brain for justification why no suspension was issued, but just admit that the league fucked this one up.

Go Kings Go.

On April 9, 2012 at 7:00 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] if you mention Clowe in Vegas I will punch you in the vagina.

On April 9, 2012 at 7:39 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Go suck on Clowe's clitoris for awhile.

On April 10, 2012 at 3:06 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, obviously they fucked up in not calling anything and I do agree that it was a dirty play that warranted some sort of penalty.

My only issue with a suspension is that there really is no precedent and you can draw parallels to an interference or too many men penalty and if you go down the path of suspending this how do you draw the line? If a player leaves the box 2 seconds early is that a suspension? If there is a too-many men that interferes with a play is that a suspension?

Regardless, the league did nothing and I'm sure if the Kings and sharks meet in the playoffs Clowe will be targeted, which he deserves. I actually hope that series happens because it means both teams will be in the WC Finals.

Go Sharks!

On April 10, 2012 at 3:39 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Guess you never got to that Wikipedia page.

--

CONCLUSION:

In the words of Ray Finkle’s mother, I hope the Sharks die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. But honestly I’d love to meet them in the Western Conference Finals and destroy the living shit out of them. A sweep would be just as sweet.

Big game tomorrow – and the 2012 Canada Hate-Fest begins tomorrow.

Much love till my next post.

2012 Canada Hate-Fest Begins in 2 days

Hermano here.

In two days, for the next 4-7 games (and maybe more if I’m/we’re incredibly lucky), I will boycott all things Canadian. I will do nothing but bash Canada and ruthlessly make fun of every single Canuck out there.

In preparation for this incredible hate-bashing, I listened to “Everything I do” by Bryan Adams 5 times on the way to work this morning. And 4 times on the way back home. I air-guitared that killer air guitar riff right after “you can’t tell me, it’s not worth trying for…” all 9 times today. I screamed at 9 different cars: “YEAHHHHH, I’d fight for you…” Basically, I got myself prepared to absolutely loathe that song for the next few weeks. It’s time to seek revenge for the 2010 Kings v. Canucks series.

My analysis of the 2012 Kings v. Canucks series? Four things must happen in order for the Kings to upset the Canucks and move to the next round. But before we get into those four things, let’s get sidetracked.

Generally, I think Canada is pretty all right. I’ve been to Vancouver and Toronto, and have desires of snowboarding in Whistler, gambling at my buddy’s dad’s casino in Edmonton, and attending a bachelor party in Montreal. I have no desire to visit Ottowa for some unexplained reason. I would love to live in Toronto and follow and write about junior hockey for an entire year. I would love to hang out with Kelly Hrudey and have him autograph some memorabilia.

Despite all of this, I will proceed to ruthlessly make fun of Canada for the next 4-7 games, starting on Wednesday.

There is still a bitter taste in my mouth after the Canucks came to Staples Center and dominated the Kings to end their 2010 Cup run. What sticks out most from that series? Two things, actually. The first is Mikael Samuelsson putting on a fucking sniping clinic. The second is how they took one of my favorite bands and played one of their songs after each goal. I wouldn’t really mind if they chose to play Shania Twain’s “You’re still the one” or Bryan Adams “Summer of ’69.” I wouldn’t even mind if they rocked Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.” Seriously. But playing “Holiday” by Green Day absolutely infuriated me.

Oh wait, I forgot about the hissy fit Ersberg threw after getting a taste of playoff hockey.

[Don’t let your career hit you on the way out]

Thankfully Samuelsson, Ehrhoff, and Demitra (RIP, brotha) are gone. So is Wayne Simmonds, regrettably. JMFJ, although fun to watch when his shot actually hit the back of the net, can take his -5 for the series and enjoy watching the Red Wings on TV.

I don’t follow the Canucks, so I’m not going to go up and down their roster and pretend to know who is a key addition to their team.

I will say that #26 for the Kings is a dramatic upgrade from #12. What a joke – how could we possibly break out of the first round with Randy Freakin’ Jones on our team? Does it scare anyone that he was one game away from playing in the 2011 Stanley Cup finals? I just hope I don’t find myself saying “Number 27 has no fucking business being on this team” this year. We can go on and on about whether Penner or Richardson deserves the final spot once Carter comes back; but for me, the true question is whether numbers 26 and 27 will elevate their game starting Wednesday.

Oh, and whether number 7 will stop deflecting the puck into his own fucking net.

You know what I’d really like to see? Kyle Clifford becoming a man-beast just like last year’s series against the Sharks. But we can talk about that more if/when it actually happens.

For now, the four things that MUST happen for the Kings to steal this series against the Canucks:

1. Jeff Carter needs to become Jeff Fucking Carter

There are only two people on the current Kings squad that can undress Luongo: Kopitar and Jeff Carter. Kopitar has never been a speed guy, so all the Canucks have to do is play him tight and pray he doesn’t receive any give-and-go’s. Carter, on the other hand, is deceptively fast. We all know his shot is ridiculous – probably the quickest release on the team – and he uses his speed to create space and separation from the defense. This all means nothing if he’s still injured.

2. Quick needs to channel is inner 1994 Mike Richter

Much has been said about this already. Every single Canucks fan knows this is the key to the series. If Quick wants to earn big boy money for the next 7 years, he’s gonna have to prove he can shut down the best team in the league in 7 games or less.

3. Daniel Sedin needs to wake up with a headache for the next two weeks

As a hockey player, I am incredibly superstitious. When I put on my pads, I follow the EXACT same order as always: left skate, right skate, left pad, right pad, etc. I don’t spit in my crease. I don’t shovel ice into my own goal. And I don’t make fun of an opposing player for dealing with a concussion lest someone on my own team gets chicken-winged and is unable to play the rest of the series. But seriously, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing D. Sedin staring into space while sitting on the bench – assuming he gets cleared to play.

4. Luongo needs to get shellacked in either Game 1 or 2

You know what sucks about being a goalie? Knowing that the next goal you let in could be your ticket to the bench. Last year, Luongo was the undisputed starter – but got questioned toward the end, especially during that series with Chicago. This year, Schneider has proven he deserves the starting spot on any other team (except the Kings, because we have already fulfilled the affirmative action ginger quota). If Luongo blows Game 1 or 2, everyone north of the border will call for his head. Best of all, Luongo knows this – which can’t be good for his sanity. All the Kings need to do is rattle his dome a bit and let the insecurity play itself out.

By now, you’ve probably guessed that this is all wishful thinking. Every time I read someone who predicts the Kings to win in 7, I tilt my head and say “Awww, that’s adorable.” But then I realize that I, myself, have predicted the Kings to win in 7. I’m also quite thirsty, so I think I’ll just reach over and grab my cup of Kool Aid.

Much love till my next post. Tomorrow.

The LA Kings are Such a Disappointment Right Now and so is 'The Walking Dead'

I seriously can't figure out why the LA Kings are having such a difficult time scoring goals.  It is so frustrating watching them game after game struggle to clearly enter the offensive zone, get quality scoring chances, and actually score goals.  They've been able to get a lot of shots on goal the past couple games, but quantity does not matter if they're not high quality chances.  Oh, and The Ethan Moreau Experiment is finally over.  Finally.  

(Harry How/Getty Images)

See ya, Moreau!

Good luck in the future!

I can think of two other players off the top of my head who need to get bounced waived as well.  Congrats to Andrei Loktionov and Slava Voynov for playing well enough to stay with the team and get a veteran player waived.  Did anyone else notice how well Loktionov absolutely dominated the play for several shifts in the third period against the Wild?  I'm looking forward to seeing more of that!  Oh, and some goals and wins too......

The LA Kings are just so disappointing right now.  But don't fret guys, because there are plenty of other things that are equally, if not more, disappointing.  Case in point: Season 2 of The Walking Dead.

I didn't start watching The Walking Dead until this year when I noticed people on Twitter talking about the Season 2 Premiere.  The general consensus seemed positive and since Breaking Bad was just about to wrap up, I wanted to have another show on Sunday night to watch.  My husband was a little surprised when I mentioned that I wanted to Netflix the first season of The Walking Dead.  He said something about the writers all getting canned either after the first season or right after the second season started, but I didn't care.  I just wanted to know what everyone on the Twitters was talking about!

Note: Spoiler Alert!  I'll be discussing both Seasons 1 and 2 of The Walking Dead.  

Season 1 of The Walking Dead was pretty good.  It was only 6 episodes so the writers had to reel in the audience with action, suspense, and a somewhat believable plotline.  There was one part that seemed unbelievable (I mean seriously, who would cut off his own hand instead of breaking off the handcuffs??? c'mon!!! and I wasn't buying the half-assed explanation they gave for this occurring) and the audience just had to assume that this character died since he has yet to appear (in real life).  I also think it's kinda ridiculous that the zombies are referred to as 'walkers' when in actuality they can pretty much run when they smell fresh blood.  And how is that in one second an area will be free and clear of the zombies and the next thing you know there's a whole mess of them surrounding the living?

Anyway, minor issues aside, I enjoyed the first season.  I like the actor who plays Rick and knew I had seen him from something.  Recently I finally came across a blog that mentioned he is the guy in Love Actually who was secretly in love with Keira Knightley's character.  Awwwwww, that's why I liked him immediately! And oh my god, his real last name is Clutterbuck!!! Hahahahah!!!  Any hockey fan should appreciate that!

I don't recall ever seeing the actor who plays Shane.  And every episode I struggle to determine if I think he's hot or not.  Ladies, help me out here.  What do you think of him?  

My issues with Season 2 include the following:

• Not much action - my husband mentioned that the show was given the exact or similar budget for Season 2 as they had for Season 1, but they have twice as many episodes to produce this season.  Therefore, there is a lot of filler content and not as much action, which equates to many episodes that are super, ridiculously boring.
• No character development - we have hardly learned anything about this group of people over 6 episodes (the first half of Season 2).  There's some weird father/daughter type of issue going on between the old man and Andrea.  The black man is apparently still alive, but do we know anything about him?  They should have just killed him off and the writers had the perfect opportunity to do it!  We don't know anything more about the battered wife other than she was sad that her daughter was missing for 99% of the second season.  Rick's wife is just too skinny and needs to start eating.  Rick's son needs to start acting more like a kid and stop acting like he's 25 years old.  We probably learned the most about the white trash guy (Daryl) during his adventures searching for Sophia.  Scratch that.  We probably learned the most about the veterinarian old man whose land they're staying on.  And why are we learning about him since the group shouldn't be staying on his land for the remainder of the series?  
• Missing Girl - oh. my. goodness.  They spent almost the entire first half of the season searching for Sophia who went missing in the woods.  This story line should have been wrapped up in two episodes max.  
• Advancing the story - Wasn't this group headed towards an Army base?  Didn't the assistant coach from the movie Miracle whisper something (presumably very important) to Rick before he went down in a huge ball of flames at the CDC at the end of Season 1?  I'm so glad Rick's kid got shot in the stomach AND DIDN'T DIE, which gave the writers an excuse to stall the story for 5 episodes!!  
• Inconsistencies - I could have sworn in the first season, they explained that the only way the walkers can't identify you is when you have their blood or a dead person's blood on you (because this way the walkers think you're already dead).  But in this season, apparently as long as they can't see you, then you're safe!  I didn't buy for a second that by hiding underneath a car that walkers wouldn't be able to notice them as they walked inches from their faces!!  That was total B.S.  Also, what about the fact that walkers are attracted to noise.  They're talking up a storm and shooting guns at gun practice and not a single walker approached them.  And how is it that not a single walker approached that house they're staying at??  

So now that we know Sophia is dead (or was a zombie) I hope that early in the second half of this season either the group leaves for the Army Base or kills the man who owns the land so they can stay there without conforming to his idiotic rules.  Also, Shane is clearly crazy so he needs to go.  I think the group should split up.  Despite my disappointment with this season, of course I'm going to keep watching.  I have to know how this season will end! They better make it to the Army Base.  They better reveal what the CDC scientist/doctor said to Rick.  Rick's wife better stop being such a huge c**t.  They need to develop the Asian dude's story because I like him!  T-Dog, jeeeeesus did the writers really name the only black guy, T-Dog??, well, he needs to go because he's just dead weight.  And for the love of zombies everywhere, there needs to be more action!!  More zombie attacks!!!  I'm not giving up on the this show just yet. But if the show continues to be boring and filled with inconsistencies and the story doesn't advance, then I will call it quits after this season, that is if the show doesn't get canceled after this outing.

Kings v. Stars – Random Thoughts from a Hate-Filled Madman

Hermano here.

There’s nothing I want to add about tonight’s victory that won’t be covered by pretty much everyone else, especially in light of Quick’s third consecutive shutout.

Instead of offering constructive analysis of a well-fought win, I think I’ll just do what I do best – ramble. Actually, I think what I do best is make fun of people while sitting in front of my computer.

(All images except for Tombstone and Wet Island courtesy of Noah Graham/NHLI via Getty Images)

Today’s special guest will be Douche McDouche, aka Mike Ribeiro.

Unlike most people I hate, I actually have a reason to hate Ribeiro. Almost exactly two years ago, I received a most excellent gift from the Mrs. which was an AmEx all access VIP inside look at Staples Center, center ice photo op, meet and greet with Luc Robitaille, drinks at the Lexus(?) Club (that bar next to where the Kings enter), and amazing seats between the players’ benches for the Kings v. Stars game (which the Kings won in a shootout). When the players were warming up, Douche McDouche kept firing pucks at our heads, trying to see if he could hit each and every one of our faces. I guess he considered it “practicing his aim” but I’d like to think he spotted a worthy adversary and felt threatened. (I was flexing the entire time.) Once he was on the bench and caught us uncontrollably staring at his douchehawk (that’s a real word and, unfortunately, hairstyle), he’d squirt water from the Gatorade bottles into the glass. I’m not joking. He’s like that annoying kid in class that does shitarted shit just because he loves the negative attention.

Here are some more reasons to join the Douche McDouche hate-fest:

and

and

and

I wonder if people see Douche McDouche and think “Oh, he’s just as annoying as Avery!” but I think that’s an insult to my boy Avery. If you told me DMcD was involved in a dog-fighting organization, I wouldn’t be surprised. If DMcD got 10 opportunities to take a penalty shot against me, would he score 2 or 3?

On second thought, maybe he’d end up scoring 7 or 8…

As for the game itself, I’m happy the Kings got the win. I’m very happy Quick posted his third consecutive shutout. But I’m extremely happy that DMcD ended up with zeros across the board. I don’t root for many people to fail at the things they’re, allegedly, best at doing in life – with the exception of the entire squad of the San Jose Sharks, Anaheim Ducks, Vancouver Canucks, the 1992-1993 Montreal Canadiens, and Esa Tikkanen. You’re in some pretty excellent company, Douche McDouche!

And now on to random thoughts.

- I’m not gonna lie, I’m actually enjoying the Slava Voynov era. Unless he shoots the puck into this own net, I’m rooting for him to stay on the squad. You know who I’m rooting to take a seat? Matt “Penalty-Happy” Greene. Yet another penalty for Señor Greene tonight. I continue to hold my breath every time he’s on the ice. Not a good sign. Although, there was this tonight:

Check out that fan's face. Is that McEnroe?

- Andrew Raycroft with a stellar performance wasted. Wie schade! Well, on the bright side, I think Dallas’ GM just ripped up the piece of paper containing Marty Turco’s phone number.

Do you want to know why Raycroft lost the game for his team? It’s because of his mask. It’s booooooooooooooring. Methinks Raycroft will need to spice it up.

Unfortunately, when you’re the backup to a goalie who rocks a mask entitled “The Best Mask In The Entire World,” life is kind of difficult.

How many times has Lehtonen stared in the mirror and practiced the line "I'm your Huckleberry"?

- I’m 99.9% sure that I would not be able to identify Willie Mitchell if I saw him in street clothes at the grocery store. Others include Brad Richardson, Alec Martinez, and Scott Parse. Actually, I don’t think even Terry Murray can identify Scott Parse without the jersey. I’m positive that when Parse walks into the Toyota Sports Center for practice, Murray and Lombardi do a double-take and ask security “Who the fuck is that?!”

On the other hand, I would 100% be able to identify Mike Richards in street clothes. But that’s because he’s a total BOSS and would be rockin’ bottle service (even at the grocery store) with a flock of hot waitresses behind him. Wet Island looks pretty damn sweet.

Homegirl has captured the definition of "F Me Eyes" - and it's not even the girl making eye contact with the camera. Im-pressive!!!

- Tonight was Law Enforcement Night at Staples Center. The LAPD bomb squad robot dropped the puck tonight for the ceremonial faceoff. SKYNET has now been activated. We. Are. Fucked.

Hey, give me a break. Until someone sends me a copy of Photoshop, you’ll have to settle for my stellar MS Paint skills.

Much love till my next post.

Kings v. Phoenix - Drinking the Kool-Aid

Hermano here.

The Kings are looking pretty, pretty good.

But hey, as Mr. Wolf says:

The Kings look great, but let’s not kid ourselves. They received a healthy blast of adrenaline and support from the home crowd during Tuesday’s home opener and then proceeded to obliterate a shitty St. Louis Blues team that was on the last leg of its road trip. Then they traveled a couple hours to Phoenix to beat a team that has one legitimate ace (Shane Doan) and a team full of scrubs.

Guess what? On Monday, I posted a shutout and my beer league hockey team won 3-0. After the game, in the locker room, everyone was (righteously) hyped about how good we’re looking and how we’re finally coming together as a team after adding several new pieces. It’s hard to be a Debbie Downer after a big win, but let’s not kid ourselves, guys – we beat the worst team in the league.

Regardless, there’s quite a lot to be happy about how the Kings are playing right now. We’ll see how they respond over the weekend when they face the red hot Dallas Stars (side note: Is that not the strangest four words you’ve ever seen after they dealt Brad Richards and traded for Eric Nystrom after he was waived by Minnesota and no one picked him up – simply to pay his full salary in order to hit the cap minimum) this Saturday.

Let’s face it – this is the best Kings lineup we’ve ever seen, arguably better than the 1990-1991 Kings with Gretzky, Robitaille, Sandstrom, Krushelnyski (tear), Kudelski, and Taylor, along with Larry Freaking Robinson, Steve Duchesne (personal favorite), and Rob Blake absolutely killing it. (Okay, you could probably make the argument that the 89 or 91 Kings were better, but whatever.) And let’s not forget my boy, Kelly Hrudey, in net. But most importantly, aside from how they look on paper, this current Kings team is playing unbelievably well together. It’s like they’ve hit that point in February when all the players know where their teammates will be on the rink at any given moment, and the team gels together for that final playoff push – only the Kings have hit it full stride in October. It doesn’t seem like anyone, save Clifford or Lewis (and Voynov for obvious reasons), is trying to figure out their linemate or how their linemate plays the game. This team has instantly clicked and it’s a pleasure to watch them play.

I'd like to think the 18,000+ mile road trip, spanning three countries and two continents, had something to do with this current team chemistry. For those in the corporate world who are lucky (or unlucky) enough to have corporate retreats, what is the intended purpose for those retreats? I’m guessing the purpose is to build chemistry and strengthen the team bond in order to continue kicking ass for the corporation (or something like that). The Kings had two choices during their monster road trip, either get closer as a team or re-enact the movie Battle Royale.

And that brings me to my first side note – If the Kings were involved in a Battle Royale, who would win?

- JMFJ would be the reckless loose cannon of the bunch and probably blow himself up trying to toss three grenades at once, or maybe by trying to rig some ridiculous explosive contraption with 500 pounds of C4.

- Stoll would immediately end himself once he learned that Heidi Androl was not on the island.

- Westgarth and Penner would get stabbed in the back almost immediately after the game begins, simply because the collective group always fears the big guys who physically dominate others. It’s kinda like how the really good looking and in-shape people on Survivor get booted off almost immediately. Errr, I’ve never seen that show, I have no idea what I just wrote.

- Greene would probably gather all the young ones and be their leader. My guess is that Martinez, Lewis, Drewiskie, Hunter, and Voynov go with Greene. This team would probably last until the end of the game.

- Richards would immediately form a rival gang and probably convince Brown, Gagne (obviously), Moreau, Williams, Scuderi, and Mitchell to join. This rival team would also last until the end and then fight the other gang for supremacy.

- The goalies would immediately withdraw into the shadows and no one would ever see or hear from them again.

- My guess is that Kopitar would be a ninja (have you seen his visor?) and slowly pick off everyone one by one. He'd be that ridiculous character in all those cheesy martial arts movies that shoots poison blowdarts, runs up trees and then flies back down to deliver the fatal stroke, breathes underwater and then cruises up behind folks just like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, etc.

My point with all this Battle Royale talk is that it didn’t happen and the team bonded during their long and arduous road trip. The only real question is whether they can maintain this chemistry throughout the entire season, especially once the LA distractions start creeping back into their lives. For three weeks, they didn’t have to deal with their wives, girlfriends, kids, agents, homies, and all the other people or off-ice situations that affect a player’s game. I have never seen a more cohesive Kings team in October than this team we’re watching right now. (And yes, I’m blaming the ugly loss to Buffalo as a result of the back-to-back game in two different countries.)

Yet despite being incredibly happy with how our team is currently performing, I’m not ready to camp out on Figueroa to reserve my spot for the Stanley Cup parade in June.

The Good:

Slava Voynov. Voynov has been holding his own. He was asked to step up and he has. Now, he’s not exactly the offensive threat that Doughty or JMFJ are, and he’s not exactly the defensive wall that Scuderi or Mitchell are. The important thing to come away with is that Voynov is not looking like Randy Jones out there – he’s not giving up the puck at the worst possible time, he’s not letting guys beat him around the wing, and he’s making decent decisions when he gets the puck at the point. Sure, I’d like him to make some sick breakout passes or even take it end-to-end, but that’s just not gonna happen two games into his NHL career. From what I’ve seen so far, I’m pleased with his performance, especially since he was asked to fill some big (is heavy the more apropos word?) shoes. Despite almost knocking the puck past Quick during a rebound in the home opener, Voynov has been good at tying up sticks and preventing the second chances. I’m a little concerned about his inability to move guys from the front of the net when they post up on Quick, but hopefully he’ll be more aggressive in moving those guys and preventing the screen.

Anze Kopitar. Is there any doubt we would have made the finals last season but for Kopitar’s ankle injury? I remember when he first came into the league, he obviously had the skill and the vision, but he was weak on his skates and was letting defensemen strip him of the puck too often in the offensive zone. Today, Kopitar does what he wants with the puck in the offensive zone. No one can take the puck away from him. It’s scary – watch how many times a defenseman will strip Kopitar of the puck. It’ll happen maybe once every other game. But the best part is, now that he’s got Gagne on the wing, Kopitar is a legitimate scoring threat every time he crosses the blue line. Other than Gretzky or Ziggy Palffy, how many other Kings were legitimate scoring threats every time they crossed into the offensive zone?

Simon Gagne. I was completely blasé when I heard about the Gagne pickup. I don’t follow east coast teams so I basically didn’t really know what a stud this guy was. After watching him for the past two months, I’m convinced this is on par with the Mike Richards signing this summer. Why? Because he’s skilled enough to bury it in the net and, therefore, defensemen can no longer double-team Kopitar when he comes down the net. This opens up more room for Kopitar to do what he wants – and it’s showing, considering how Kopitar has a point in basically every game he’s played so far. I’m convinced it’s not so much because Kopitar got better over the summer; it’s because Gagne is a legit threat and defensemen have to respect him, too.

Mike Fucking Richards. Was I disappointed we didn’t land Brad Richards this summer? Not really. (I’m not a big believer in pursuing the top free agent and paying him billions – didn’t want us to get Kovalchuk, and didn’t really want us to lose sight of the future by overpaying B.Richards.) Was I disappointed that we gave up Simmonds? Kind of. Was I disappointed we gave up Brayden Schenn. Fuck yes. Did I even know how good of a player Mike Richards was before the trade was announced and I immediately youtubed every single clip online? Nope. Was I drinking the Mike Richards kool-aid once we traded for him? Not at all.

Guess what? I have now shotgunned the pitcher of kool-aid – I now believe in Mike Richards. He creates enough opportunities and has that scoring touch (which Schenn currently lacks in the NHL) to make him a solid offensive threat, but the main reason why I’m in love with M.Richards is because of his two-way game. On Tuesday, late in the third period, we’re up 5-0 and the game is already mentally over. The Blues are just trying to get one goal so they don’t look completely embarrassed and although the Kings should be doing everything they can to make sure Quick gets his shutout, they’re letting the Blues get one too many good looks which leads to some decent scoring opportunities. Richards ends up with the puck in the offensive zone, fires off a shot that Brian Elliott barely saves with his blocker, and the Blues immediately fire it up ice for an outnumbered attack. Richards, who is the deepest King on the other side of the rink, busts his ass and skates back just in time to tie up the trailing forward who has a clean look at a half-open net. Richards ties up the guy’s stick, the guy misses his wide-open shot, and the Kings clear the puck out of the zone.

The thing I like most about M.Richards is that he breaks up plays on the defensive end “on the reg.” As a goalie, it fires me up whenever one of my forwards busts his ass on the backcheck and breaks up plays. Shit like that won’t ever appear on the score sheet (well, I guess it “appears” as one less shot on the shot total), but it contributes heavily to team chemistry. Goalies get fired up because you just prevented a very good scoring opportunity. Defensemen get fired up because you just saved their ass. Forwards get fired up and become inspired to skate harder once they hit the ice. The other team gets disappointed because they thought they had a sure-thing goal. The only reason why this doesn’t happen all the time is because you have to not only be in amazing shape to continually skate your ass off as a center (you’re the guy who will go deepest in the opposing team’s zone and you’re expected to be one the deepest offensive guys when you’re defending in your own zone – thus you’re skating from one end to the other on a constant basis), but you have to have the mental fortitude to push through pain and fatigue to make those kinds of plays. Penner doesn’t have it (although he shows occasional flashes of brilliance on the backcheck – I saw it momentarily during tonight’s game, but it disappeared just as quick. I don’t know if that makes me more or less frustrated with Penner, although he had a great game today). Kopitar, thankfully, does.

The Bad:

Matt “Face Time, Baby” Greene. This guy has looked absolutely terrible these past few games. Thankfully Greene didn’t get a penalty tonight, but what was up with that elbow on Tuesday? He got burned multiple times in Philly which led to some awful penalties. He looks completely lost out there. I never thought I’d say this, but he needs to step up his game or else he’s gonna lose his job. I used to consider him a rock on defense, but he’s been so incredibly sloppy these past few games. Remember when the Kings used to have some atrocious goaltending (Cechmanek, LaBarbara, and Garon immediately come to mind) and you would hold your breath every time the other team took a shot? Well, that’s how I currently feel about Matt Greene. I really hope improves, because it’s getting pretty annoying rewinding the game whenever I black out.

Keeping My Eye On:

Justin Williams. Through 6 games, he’s got 2 goals and 5 assists and is a +5. He hasn’t done anything particularly flashy, but he’s been setting up that first line perfectly and the puck is hitting the back of the net as a result. I thought he had a great playoff series despite missing the end of the regular season with a shoulder injury. I’m looking forward to seeing Williams continue to kick ass on the first line and set up our main scoring threats.

Seriously, how unstoppable is this first line?! In fact, whenever that line is on the ice, does anyone else get really pissed off when the Kings don’t score? I feel like I just created three forwards on NHL 12 and, using a cheat code, maxed out all of their stats to 99 – but whenever they don’t score, I’m like “What the fuck? There must be some glitch in the game.”

Final Question:

Hey, quick question to end this post: Who is your favorite current Kings player? I have a feeling that M.Richards will be mine by the end of this weekend. To be honest, I don’t really have a favorite current Kings player. If I had to choose to get a player’s jersey from last season’s team (at gunpoint, of course – which is how I address all my hypothetical questions), I guess I would choose… uh… Brown? Maybe?

Just to show you I’m not totally full of shit, my favorite Kings player of all time, obviously, is Kelly Hrudey, but I would also love to get jerseys of: Duchesne, Nicholls, and probably Avery (I already have a Robitaille jersey, until I give it to my Hermana one of these days). Kopitar, Doughty, and JMFJ are all awesome, but I’ve never felt compelled to get their jerseys or call them my favorite current Kings player. If Schenn was playing, he’d definitely be in the running. For now, I’ll just keep that top spot open until M.Richards scores a hat trick and secures yet another shutout for Quick.

Well, I think you can already tell what will be number one on my Christmas list: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Errrrr, I mean a M.Richards Kings jersey.

Much love till my next post.

Hermano