Kings v. Stars – Random Thoughts from a Hate-Filled Madman

Hermano here.

There’s nothing I want to add about tonight’s victory that won’t be covered by pretty much everyone else, especially in light of Quick’s third consecutive shutout.

Instead of offering constructive analysis of a well-fought win, I think I’ll just do what I do best – ramble. Actually, I think what I do best is make fun of people while sitting in front of my computer.

(All images except for Tombstone and Wet Island courtesy of Noah Graham/NHLI via Getty Images)

Today’s special guest will be Douche McDouche, aka Mike Ribeiro.

Unlike most people I hate, I actually have a reason to hate Ribeiro. Almost exactly two years ago, I received a most excellent gift from the Mrs. which was an AmEx all access VIP inside look at Staples Center, center ice photo op, meet and greet with Luc Robitaille, drinks at the Lexus(?) Club (that bar next to where the Kings enter), and amazing seats between the players’ benches for the Kings v. Stars game (which the Kings won in a shootout). When the players were warming up, Douche McDouche kept firing pucks at our heads, trying to see if he could hit each and every one of our faces. I guess he considered it “practicing his aim” but I’d like to think he spotted a worthy adversary and felt threatened. (I was flexing the entire time.) Once he was on the bench and caught us uncontrollably staring at his douchehawk (that’s a real word and, unfortunately, hairstyle), he’d squirt water from the Gatorade bottles into the glass. I’m not joking. He’s like that annoying kid in class that does shitarted shit just because he loves the negative attention.

Here are some more reasons to join the Douche McDouche hate-fest:

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I wonder if people see Douche McDouche and think “Oh, he’s just as annoying as Avery!” but I think that’s an insult to my boy Avery. If you told me DMcD was involved in a dog-fighting organization, I wouldn’t be surprised. If DMcD got 10 opportunities to take a penalty shot against me, would he score 2 or 3?

On second thought, maybe he’d end up scoring 7 or 8…

As for the game itself, I’m happy the Kings got the win. I’m very happy Quick posted his third consecutive shutout. But I’m extremely happy that DMcD ended up with zeros across the board. I don’t root for many people to fail at the things they’re, allegedly, best at doing in life – with the exception of the entire squad of the San Jose Sharks, Anaheim Ducks, Vancouver Canucks, the 1992-1993 Montreal Canadiens, and Esa Tikkanen. You’re in some pretty excellent company, Douche McDouche!

And now on to random thoughts.

- I’m not gonna lie, I’m actually enjoying the Slava Voynov era. Unless he shoots the puck into this own net, I’m rooting for him to stay on the squad. You know who I’m rooting to take a seat? Matt “Penalty-Happy” Greene. Yet another penalty for Señor Greene tonight. I continue to hold my breath every time he’s on the ice. Not a good sign. Although, there was this tonight:

Check out that fan's face. Is that McEnroe?

- Andrew Raycroft with a stellar performance wasted. Wie schade! Well, on the bright side, I think Dallas’ GM just ripped up the piece of paper containing Marty Turco’s phone number.

Do you want to know why Raycroft lost the game for his team? It’s because of his mask. It’s booooooooooooooring. Methinks Raycroft will need to spice it up.

Unfortunately, when you’re the backup to a goalie who rocks a mask entitled “The Best Mask In The Entire World,” life is kind of difficult.

How many times has Lehtonen stared in the mirror and practiced the line "I'm your Huckleberry"?

- I’m 99.9% sure that I would not be able to identify Willie Mitchell if I saw him in street clothes at the grocery store. Others include Brad Richardson, Alec Martinez, and Scott Parse. Actually, I don’t think even Terry Murray can identify Scott Parse without the jersey. I’m positive that when Parse walks into the Toyota Sports Center for practice, Murray and Lombardi do a double-take and ask security “Who the fuck is that?!”

On the other hand, I would 100% be able to identify Mike Richards in street clothes. But that’s because he’s a total BOSS and would be rockin’ bottle service (even at the grocery store) with a flock of hot waitresses behind him. Wet Island looks pretty damn sweet.

Homegirl has captured the definition of "F Me Eyes" - and it's not even the girl making eye contact with the camera. Im-pressive!!!

- Tonight was Law Enforcement Night at Staples Center. The LAPD bomb squad robot dropped the puck tonight for the ceremonial faceoff. SKYNET has now been activated. We. Are. Fucked.

Hey, give me a break. Until someone sends me a copy of Photoshop, you’ll have to settle for my stellar MS Paint skills.

Much love till my next post.